subsidiary.
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, thus providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. Their positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact though they will now cluck in English with only the hint of an accent, thus reaching a broader market share audience.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks seems to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are in order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and, therefore, enhance their outplacement.
As is known, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because there is an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in the number of assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in a single day, service levels will be improved.
Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the Attorney's Association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers a-suing).
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
(The "Report from the North Pole" was forwarded to me some time ago and was actually written by Professor Victoria L. Sork of the Department of Biology at the University of Missouri-St. Louis.)
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your email of the day from Col. UPdraft
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