Monday morning wisdom of the day

If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
-Will Kommen

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
-Dean Martin

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
-Calvin Trillin

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
-Rita Rudner

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.
-Wendy Liebman

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.
-Joan Rivers

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
-Henny Youngman

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
-Bob Thaves

He that falls in live with himself will have no rivals.
-Ben Franklin

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays.
-Joey Bishop

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