The problem with forgiveness

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is there a way to forgive a person for a terrible deed? 

Yes, as Dr R mentions: if they are just an ordinary person who makes a mistake, the forgiveness will allow them to rebuild their life.

But a narcissist who will see forgiveness as a "get out of jail free" card, will go on and do the same thing again and again.

think Harvey Weinstein, whose abuse went on for decades while he was accepted by the Hollywood elite and politicians who wililngly took his money. Or Theodore McCarrick. Or the bishop whose cruising and dolce vita lifetyle using the donations of pious Catholics who scandalized the South American country but was hired by Rome, and defended by the Pope who said "who am I to judge". (reporter Sandro Magister has the sordid details).

For the powerful, these sexual misdeeds are often associated with corruption, cronyism, and financial shenanigans, which is why the Pope's failure to "judge" has infuriated many Catholics.

(and it's not just the churches: the rot is into politics, the schools, and many beloved institutions that have been used by narcissists to mask their behavior: i.e. wolf in sheep's clothing.

however, for the victim, the emotional danger is worse if the perpetrator is a family member, or a relative or a "friend" (including teacher, neighbor or clergyman) who befriends you and grooms you for sex (or money or power over your actions, e.g. when a teenager is pressured to use or sell drugs by a "friend"). Often the victim is chosen because they were vulnerable: they needed approval or a close friendship.

the emotional manipulation, confusion and the love/hate emotions felt by the victim is why many end up dulling their emotional turmoil with drugs etc. 

and society's pressure to forgive is one of the problems.

but narcissists are not limited to sexual sphere: Parents can destroy their children by emotional manipulation.. And these are harder to diagnose because the child (or adult who you see for other reasons) rarely mentions it.

It overlaps with physical abuse, but not always.

psychological manipulation is just as bad, if not worse, than simple physical abuse.



and it takes a lot of therapy or a minor miraculous spiritual intervention to help these victims so that they forgive in a way that allows them peace yet stops the perpetrator from manipulating them again.


Sigh.